LeadingLDS

The 6 Sources of Influence and the Bishop's Office

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

 

If you walk in to a high school weight room you will find a room of kids determined to get "big guns" (biceps). They will focus hours doing various form of curls in order to build their biceps the size of watermelons. What they don't realize is change in muscle mass happens when you work the entire body.

This is logical to many, but when dealing with addiction we have the same misconception as the high school kid. You work one muscle -- personal willpower-- and hope the addiction will crumble. If you want to see real change you have to work every angle. 

The core of Change Anything is the 6-sources of influence. This model is a perfect foundation to start attacking any addiction. Especially for a bishop that probably doesn't have professional counseling experience. If you learn this model the road to success is much more clear.

Addictions do not happen because of one root cause. For example, a pornography addition doesn't exist simply because it is carnally gratifying. It exists because the individual may not be accountable to anyone, their computer is in the darkest corner of the basement, and there is no filter on their internet. All of those elements are playing a role in the persistence of the addiction.

Motivation to Change vs. Ability to Change

One of the biggest mistakes a bishop can make is assuming an addiction is due to lack of motivation. More often than not the addiction is a result of lack of ability. They simply don't know HOW to change.

Motivation to change and ability to change should both be considered in order to change addiction. This is a large part of the 6-source model.

Personal, Social, and Structural Influence

An individual is influenced on three levels.

1. Personal Influence - Personal goals, self identity
2. Social Influence - Family, Friends, Bishops, Auxiliary Leaders, Co-workers, or accomplices
3. Structural Influence - Environment, Objects around you, Pathways of habit

By examining the motivations and abilities in these three areas of influence suddenly ideas and answers appear in order to halt the addiction.

Let's look at an example of addressing a pornography addiction through the 6-source model.

Source 1: Love what you hate by telling the whole vivid story

Every addict needs a vivid statement that will help remind them of their motivation.  This should be a written statement that alerts the seriousness of the problem. It needs to tell the whole story--not simply a general explanation of the problem. A bad example would be as follows: "I want to overcome my pornography addiction so that I can be a responsible spouse to my eternal companion." That's nice but not powerful. Here's a good example: "Today I put my wife before my addiction because I am destroying my eternal marriage and risking future relationships with my children. This may be my last chance." By reading this statement when temptation is present it puts logic back in the driver's seat. It helps remind the individual of the importance to change.

Source 2: Do what you can't

Source 1 focuses on personal motivation and now source 2 focuses on personal ABILITY. It should include building a skill that will help the individual avoid personal temptation. The popular technique of singing a hymn is a good example of this. Or it may be beneficial for the person to avoid temptation that is more common than pornography. They may practice turning off the television when there is a form of sexual context. The more practice they get in those situation the more likely they are to shut down the internet browser when the unexpected image appears. During follow up appointments the bishop may ask for a report of how many times they avoided such situations.

Source 3 and 4: Turn accomplices into friends

Social support is crucial when trying to overcome addiction. That's part of the reason the bishop is involved. He encourages accountability and helps them think logically. With other addictions like smoking it might be beneficial to announce to all your Facebook friends that you are quitting cigarettes. This would rally support and keep you obligated to follow though. However, when dealing with a pornography addiction that just might make things awkward. Nonetheless, it is still essential that one harnesses peer pressure to help them overcome their addiction. This can happen by a nightly/weekly/monthly reports to a spouse or parent. The more a spouse is involve the more likely relapse won't happen.  

Source 5: Invert the economy

Create an economy of time. Many relapses happen because the individual is casually surfing the internet to pass time. Require the individual to start a kitchen timer each time they are on the computer and limiting them to 30 minutes a day online. Then have them report their time each day to the bishop or their spouse.

Source 6: Control your space

The way an addict organizes his environment can have a dramatic impact on his ability to overcome temptation. A popular suggestion includes putting the computer in a high-traffic area in the home where all can see the content on the screen. Another way to control the addiction through the environment is a simple internet filter. This is a must! It's important to empower your environment to not even make it possible to relapse even if the desire is insistent.

 

These steps are not THE way to overcome pornography addiction. There are many other ideas that could be plugged in to each source and each source should be personalized to the individual. This is simply an example of how a bishop could use the 6 source model to help someone overcome their addiction. With each follow up appointment the bishop can simply go through each of the 6 sources and determine where progress is slacking.

There is an important lesson to be learned in 2 Kings 5:

 9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.

 10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

 11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

 12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.

 13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

 14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Elisha required Naaman to dipped himself in Jordan seven times--not three--not one--but seven times. Just the same is all six sources of influence essential in order for an individual to overcome an addiction for a lifetime.

Brother Neveragain and the Willpower Trap

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

 

The following conversation might sound familiar to many bishops:

 

Bishop: So you are struggling with pornography addiction?

Brother Neveragain: Well, Bishop, it has happened a few times but believe me it won't happen again. Nooooo way! I can't believe I did such a thing when so much is at stake! From here on out it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

 

Regardless of the sin, bishops hear claims like this all the time. Brother Neveragain is very convincing. He said it with determination in his eyes. He said it with a clinched fist. He PROMISED! ...........But then he left the comfortable bishop's office-the sound of hymns are no longer fresh on his mind-the feeling to be better is distant. Now he's in a dark basement all alone with his computer. Brother Neveragain then becomes Brother Relapse.

What you have just witnessed is the willpower trap. So many addicts leave it to personal willpower to lift them from addiction. The real problem with Brother Neveragain is that he is blaming his addiction on his lack of willpower. The authors of Change Anything call this tragically wrong.

It's wrong because it's incomplete. And it's tragic because it gives us nowhere to go when we struggle to change our own bad habits or improve our lot. When people believe that their ability to make good choices stems from nothing more than their willpower-and that willpower is a quality they're either born with or they're not-they eventually stop trying altogether. The willpower trap keeps them in a depressing cycle that begins with heroic commitment to change, which is followed by eroding motivation and terminated inevitably by relapse into old habits.(Change Anything, chp 1)

If you allow Brother Neveragain to keep thinking he will succeed because of willpower, he will continue to fail and he will begin to think he can't change because he "just wasn't born with the willpower that success requires."

The problem isn't that he doesn't have the willpower - the problem is that he is blind to those things that are encouraging the addiction. Brother Neveragain may go home and listen to hymns all day but he doesn't consider the fact that his gloomy marriage is playing a major role in his addiction.

The next time you have Brother Neveragain in your office make sure he doesn't walk out relying on his willpower.

To further understand the Willpower Trap check out the first video at the Change Anything website. It's only 8:22 long and is quite entertaining. 

Please post your comments below.

A Book for Every Bishop

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

It's no surprise to anyone that sin dominates the world culture. Temptation is a pandemic and each member of the church deals with it in a personal manner. The problem to overcome isn't necessarily the sin itself but the fact that sin is so addicting once it's started.

All bishops meet with individuals that are struggling with addiction to sin. From drugs, pornography, lying, alcohol, impure lifestyles and so on. Thankfully the gospel includes individuals like bishop that allow an individual to confess and partake of the healing power of the Atonement. Not only is the Bishop there to fill the role as a common judge but also to counsel.

Elder Hales stated the following when he was the presiding Bishop of the church,

The bishop’s role as a common judge is not merely to hear our confessions and determine what action should be taken with regard to our transgressions. The bishop serves as our counselor if we will listen to him. He can help us repent or turn away from transgression so that we may feel better about ourselves and so that we will feel comfortable in the presence of the Holy Ghost, who will guide us and comfort us. Ultimately, it is the Lord who will forgive us when we have overcome our transgressions.

Many times the transgressor will be looking for direction about how to stop the addictive sin. Inspiration as a bishop will definitely give direction on what to say and how to counsel. It is also important to educate yourself on how to deal with addiction so you have clear direction to give.

I was given the opportunity to receive an advanced copy of Change Anything: The Science of Personal Success. This book gives a solid model that a bishop can follow as they counsel people to change. A model that the authors of the book say will make change 1000% more successful. That assertion alone makes the book worth reading.

Over the next few weeks LeadingLDS will dedicate a variety of posts that will highlight the principles in this book and how they can be used as you lead other towards change. You will also find these principles helpful in changing yourself and becoming a better leader.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Most Effective Speaker of His Time

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland always delivers when he speaks! No matter the occasion or topic he always leaves the congregation filled with emotion. Why is this and how can all leaders produce this result?

From the moment Elder Holland begins his remarks he always (figuratively) lays his heart and feelings on the podium. He refuses to hold back emotion. He is direct, clear, and unapologetic. He is there to clearly communicate the point of his remarks wrapped with feeling.

When was the last time you spoke as a leader to your ward, quorum, or organization with such love and emotion? People will listen with feeling if you talk with feeling. This creates motivation to build that kingdom like nothing else.

Take note that even though Elder Holland speaks with emotion, his words never produce negative emotion. He doesn't want you to feel guilty or lacking or insufficient. He leaves you motivated and dignified. Never put down the quorum, always lift them and show them what they can become.

Such emotionally filled talks should not be reserved for General Conference or even sacrament meeting. Those you lead should feel such power of emotion in every ward council, quorum meeting, and even during a one-on-one interview.

Change Anything - An Interview with Joseph Grenny

Popular author Joseph Grenny is interviewed about his upcoming book Change Anything. He gives an LDS perspective about changing behavior. It's worth a watch.

How do the principles he discusses relate to home teaching? Visiting teaching? Class participation? Bishops influencing others to change unrighteous behavior?

After watching share your thoughts below.

(Interview begins at 10:00 minute mark)

 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and Sister Patricia Holland

Take the time to learn about the life of leaders.

Listen Here

Elder David A. Bednar: An Apostle's Role

 

Leaders Teaching Leaders: Entry 2

From the book Return: Four Phases of Our Mortal Journey Home by Elder Robert D. Hales

Page 89

 

Sometimes we feel that answers to our prayers and our pleading for guidance and direction should be given through dramatic manifestations, such as a voice from heaven or a visitation by an angel or a heavenly host. My personal experience is that answers to our prayers often come slowly over an extended period of time.As we act upon the feelings of our hearts, feelings of peace, comfort and confirmation grows within us, and we know that we are on the right course.

I learned this truth as a Regional Representative of the Twelve, while traveling with President Marion G. Romney to a stake conference for the selection of a new stake president. We had been driving in a car for over an hour, discussing the Church and priesthood administration. Along the way I asked President Romney a question and realized, in the moment I asked it, that it was not appropriate. The question was, "What is the most spiritual experience you have had as an Apostle of the Lord?" There was a pause. He answered, "I believe what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young taught, that if we would keep our most sacred spiritual experiences to ourselves, many more spiritual experiences could be shared with us." There was a period of silence after he spoke, and then he said, "I owe you a better answer." He explained that the greatest spiritual experience of his life had been when he had been on assignment from the President of the Church or the President of the Quorum of the Twelve, as we were that day. He said, "We will interview twenty-five or thirty priesthood brethren, and there will be more than one who will be qualified to be the stake president. But after we have done all we can do, we will get on our knees and pray to our Heavenly Father. We will tell Him of our feelings of who the new stake president ought to be and the reason why. We will tell him of the needs of the stake at this time. Then He will give us confirmation."

Professor Curtis LeBaron Interview - Part 4

LeadingLDS: In your BYU devotional you have a consistent theme of four statements. The four statements of: I see you, I understand you, I like you, and I can work with you. What is your philosophy behind that? Or what is the background on those statements?

 

Curtis LeBaron: Well a little bit of philosophy or theory might be a better word. In the social sciences in the field of linguistics there was a guy named John Austin at Berkeley in the 1960’s and 70’s who developed something called Speech Act Theory. And that has been picked up and further developed by a lot of people. And the idea is this--when we communicate our words just don’t mean something they do something. They do many things. So communication isn’t just about meaning it’s about action. The technical meaning or the dictionary meaning of the words that leaders say maybe much less important than the actions that those words accomplish. And it is often the actions that we remember and that impact our lives much more than those words do. So for example, if you go to a party and you go to that party or that social event and somebody snubs you or says something rude to you; you may not be able to recall exactly what their words were but you may remember for the rest of your life the action of being rejected or being put down. Or the converse, somebody may reach out and validate you or include you or something like that and the words take a back seat to the actions that are being performed. So in the talk what I was doing was identifying some of the actions that were being accomplished by the words being used. Those words may have had a particular meaning but it wasn’t the meaning of the word that was most important it was the actions they were accomplishing.

 

The beautiful thing about the gospel and about the Savior's teachings is that at the same time He was communicating or teaching about things like love, like peace, and so forth His words didn’t just mean those messages they were also doing those messages and that is one of the things that made them so powerful. When leaders are able to give us instruction about something and the content and meaning of their instruction is coupled with or is joined with displays that in the moment illustrate that instruction. So for example the Savior’s message of love and peace was always coupled with His behaviors that communicated or that accomplished love and peace. So when the meaning and the actions coincide it’s especially powerful.

Professor Curtis LeBaron Interview - Part 3

LeadingLDS: You mentioned in your BYU devotional, "the moment of transition or boundaries are moments that define leaders." Can you expound on that a little bit as far as transitions go with leadership?

 

Curtis LeBaron: Yeah, this is something that I have noticed and it has come from my own research even though I am not the first person to focus on the importance of transitions. These can be transitions like the beginning and the ending of a meeting. These can be transitions that are life transitions like when a young man or a young women graduates from one class to another like going from a deacon to being a teacher. They can be transitions such as when a calling is extended and accepted and there is a setting apart. All of these kinds of transitions are important for leaders. Leaders have to be very careful about how they facilitate the transition. The reason transitions are so important is that during transitional moments we do what is called identity work. This is a little more technical than what I got into in my talk but identity work is we behave in ways that define who we are relative to one another. So I mean such things as relative status. Who is more important? Who has more authority? Who is in charge relative to other people? We manage relative status, and when I say we manage it through subtle ways of behaving through our behaviors we subtle establish for one another who is in charge—who is to be respect—who is to be acknowledged and listened to. Another definition of identity is our social distance or closeness. So how close are we? Are we intimate? Are we friends? Or on the other hand are we just kind of co-workers and acquaintances? I think a lot of times we make the assumption that we begin as individuals and that we come together to form groups. I think arguably it is the other way around. I think our sense of who we are as individuals is something that comes through our association with each other. Individuality is a product of group interaction and so when we go to church and when we attend Teachers quorum or Beehives class or Relief Society or Primary we are engaged in a process that unavoidably helps define who we are in this world. Because who we are is always relative to who we are in relation to one another.

 

During transitional moments identity work goes on and leaders have to be very careful that they manage those transitions well so that people receive the kind of messages that leaders want them to receive.

 

LeadingLDS: So these moments of transition are opportunities for leaders to maybe point out the individual but also help the individual define who they are? Am I understanding it right?

 

Curtis LeBaron: Right, yeah, Whenever we’re go into a new situation. When ever people come together in a room they have to show one another what they are doing. They have to answer the question who are we? Who are we in relation to one another? And what is our work? And they have to answer those question, those questions are like hanging in the air. So transitions are a way for leaders to answer those questions maybe even explicitly but unavoidable they do it subtly. And they need to be thoughtful about what they want those answers to be. With a young man that is being ordained to a priesthood office it is a wonderful opportunity to answer those questions in relation to that young man which is to talk about their infinite worth, to talk about the goodness in their lives that has allowed them to accept a new position in the Aaronic priesthood and so forth. It’s an opportunity to celebrate that and to state it explicitly and unavoidably they do it subtly.

 

LeadingLDS: So in that situation not only does that young man learn more about himself but he learns that his bishop is somebody who is inspired and cares about him.

 

Curtis LeBaron: Yeah, I mean it goes in all directions. Not only is it an opportunity for the young man to learn of the bishop’s concern and love for him but it is an opportunity for others in the room to witness that and to see that love from the bishop to the young man and that is kind of a public pronouncement of sorts. It makes that information public for everyone to see. When we raise our hand to support or sustain someone in a calling we can follow the bishop’s example as we see the bishop support that person and sustain them.