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Leaders Teaching Leaders: Entry 3

The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister pg 242

Shortly before his death, President Lorenzo Snow visited Brigham Young University for the purpose of speaking to the assembled student body. On their way to the assembly room, BYU President George H. Brimhall escorted President Snow through one of the kindergarten rooms. There President Snow saw the children making spheres with clay and said:

President Brimhall, these children are now at play, making mud worlds, the time will come when some of these boys through their faithfulness to the gospel, will progress and develop in knowledge, intelligence and power, in future eternities, until they shall be able to go out into space where there is unorganized matter and call together the necessary elements, and through their knowledge of and control over the laws and powers of nature, to organize matter into worlds on which their posterity may dwell, and over which they shall rule as gods.

The 6 Sources of Influence and the Bishop's Office

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

 

If you walk in to a high school weight room you will find a room of kids determined to get "big guns" (biceps). They will focus hours doing various form of curls in order to build their biceps the size of watermelons. What they don't realize is change in muscle mass happens when you work the entire body.

This is logical to many, but when dealing with addiction we have the same misconception as the high school kid. You work one muscle -- personal willpower-- and hope the addiction will crumble. If you want to see real change you have to work every angle. 

The core of Change Anything is the 6-sources of influence. This model is a perfect foundation to start attacking any addiction. Especially for a bishop that probably doesn't have professional counseling experience. If you learn this model the road to success is much more clear.

Addictions do not happen because of one root cause. For example, a pornography addition doesn't exist simply because it is carnally gratifying. It exists because the individual may not be accountable to anyone, their computer is in the darkest corner of the basement, and there is no filter on their internet. All of those elements are playing a role in the persistence of the addiction.

Motivation to Change vs. Ability to Change

One of the biggest mistakes a bishop can make is assuming an addiction is due to lack of motivation. More often than not the addiction is a result of lack of ability. They simply don't know HOW to change.

Motivation to change and ability to change should both be considered in order to change addiction. This is a large part of the 6-source model.

Personal, Social, and Structural Influence

An individual is influenced on three levels.

1. Personal Influence - Personal goals, self identity
2. Social Influence - Family, Friends, Bishops, Auxiliary Leaders, Co-workers, or accomplices
3. Structural Influence - Environment, Objects around you, Pathways of habit

By examining the motivations and abilities in these three areas of influence suddenly ideas and answers appear in order to halt the addiction.

Let's look at an example of addressing a pornography addiction through the 6-source model.

Source 1: Love what you hate by telling the whole vivid story

Every addict needs a vivid statement that will help remind them of their motivation.  This should be a written statement that alerts the seriousness of the problem. It needs to tell the whole story--not simply a general explanation of the problem. A bad example would be as follows: "I want to overcome my pornography addiction so that I can be a responsible spouse to my eternal companion." That's nice but not powerful. Here's a good example: "Today I put my wife before my addiction because I am destroying my eternal marriage and risking future relationships with my children. This may be my last chance." By reading this statement when temptation is present it puts logic back in the driver's seat. It helps remind the individual of the importance to change.

Source 2: Do what you can't

Source 1 focuses on personal motivation and now source 2 focuses on personal ABILITY. It should include building a skill that will help the individual avoid personal temptation. The popular technique of singing a hymn is a good example of this. Or it may be beneficial for the person to avoid temptation that is more common than pornography. They may practice turning off the television when there is a form of sexual context. The more practice they get in those situation the more likely they are to shut down the internet browser when the unexpected image appears. During follow up appointments the bishop may ask for a report of how many times they avoided such situations.

Source 3 and 4: Turn accomplices into friends

Social support is crucial when trying to overcome addiction. That's part of the reason the bishop is involved. He encourages accountability and helps them think logically. With other addictions like smoking it might be beneficial to announce to all your Facebook friends that you are quitting cigarettes. This would rally support and keep you obligated to follow though. However, when dealing with a pornography addiction that just might make things awkward. Nonetheless, it is still essential that one harnesses peer pressure to help them overcome their addiction. This can happen by a nightly/weekly/monthly reports to a spouse or parent. The more a spouse is involve the more likely relapse won't happen.  

Source 5: Invert the economy

Create an economy of time. Many relapses happen because the individual is casually surfing the internet to pass time. Require the individual to start a kitchen timer each time they are on the computer and limiting them to 30 minutes a day online. Then have them report their time each day to the bishop or their spouse.

Source 6: Control your space

The way an addict organizes his environment can have a dramatic impact on his ability to overcome temptation. A popular suggestion includes putting the computer in a high-traffic area in the home where all can see the content on the screen. Another way to control the addiction through the environment is a simple internet filter. This is a must! It's important to empower your environment to not even make it possible to relapse even if the desire is insistent.

 

These steps are not THE way to overcome pornography addiction. There are many other ideas that could be plugged in to each source and each source should be personalized to the individual. This is simply an example of how a bishop could use the 6 source model to help someone overcome their addiction. With each follow up appointment the bishop can simply go through each of the 6 sources and determine where progress is slacking.

There is an important lesson to be learned in 2 Kings 5:

 9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.

 10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

 11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

 12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? may I not wash in them, and be clean? So he turned and went away in a rage.

 13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

 14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

Elisha required Naaman to dipped himself in Jordan seven times--not three--not one--but seven times. Just the same is all six sources of influence essential in order for an individual to overcome an addiction for a lifetime.

Brother Neveragain and the Willpower Trap

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

 

The following conversation might sound familiar to many bishops:

 

Bishop: So you are struggling with pornography addiction?

Brother Neveragain: Well, Bishop, it has happened a few times but believe me it won't happen again. Nooooo way! I can't believe I did such a thing when so much is at stake! From here on out it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

 

Regardless of the sin, bishops hear claims like this all the time. Brother Neveragain is very convincing. He said it with determination in his eyes. He said it with a clinched fist. He PROMISED! ...........But then he left the comfortable bishop's office-the sound of hymns are no longer fresh on his mind-the feeling to be better is distant. Now he's in a dark basement all alone with his computer. Brother Neveragain then becomes Brother Relapse.

What you have just witnessed is the willpower trap. So many addicts leave it to personal willpower to lift them from addiction. The real problem with Brother Neveragain is that he is blaming his addiction on his lack of willpower. The authors of Change Anything call this tragically wrong.

It's wrong because it's incomplete. And it's tragic because it gives us nowhere to go when we struggle to change our own bad habits or improve our lot. When people believe that their ability to make good choices stems from nothing more than their willpower-and that willpower is a quality they're either born with or they're not-they eventually stop trying altogether. The willpower trap keeps them in a depressing cycle that begins with heroic commitment to change, which is followed by eroding motivation and terminated inevitably by relapse into old habits.(Change Anything, chp 1)

If you allow Brother Neveragain to keep thinking he will succeed because of willpower, he will continue to fail and he will begin to think he can't change because he "just wasn't born with the willpower that success requires."

The problem isn't that he doesn't have the willpower - the problem is that he is blind to those things that are encouraging the addiction. Brother Neveragain may go home and listen to hymns all day but he doesn't consider the fact that his gloomy marriage is playing a major role in his addiction.

The next time you have Brother Neveragain in your office make sure he doesn't walk out relying on his willpower.

To further understand the Willpower Trap check out the first video at the Change Anything website. It's only 8:22 long and is quite entertaining. 

Please post your comments below.

A Book for Every Bishop

This post is part of a series of posts relating to the book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Change. See related posts here.

It's no surprise to anyone that sin dominates the world culture. Temptation is a pandemic and each member of the church deals with it in a personal manner. The problem to overcome isn't necessarily the sin itself but the fact that sin is so addicting once it's started.

All bishops meet with individuals that are struggling with addiction to sin. From drugs, pornography, lying, alcohol, impure lifestyles and so on. Thankfully the gospel includes individuals like bishop that allow an individual to confess and partake of the healing power of the Atonement. Not only is the Bishop there to fill the role as a common judge but also to counsel.

Elder Hales stated the following when he was the presiding Bishop of the church,

The bishop’s role as a common judge is not merely to hear our confessions and determine what action should be taken with regard to our transgressions. The bishop serves as our counselor if we will listen to him. He can help us repent or turn away from transgression so that we may feel better about ourselves and so that we will feel comfortable in the presence of the Holy Ghost, who will guide us and comfort us. Ultimately, it is the Lord who will forgive us when we have overcome our transgressions.

Many times the transgressor will be looking for direction about how to stop the addictive sin. Inspiration as a bishop will definitely give direction on what to say and how to counsel. It is also important to educate yourself on how to deal with addiction so you have clear direction to give.

I was given the opportunity to receive an advanced copy of Change Anything: The Science of Personal Success. This book gives a solid model that a bishop can follow as they counsel people to change. A model that the authors of the book say will make change 1000% more successful. That assertion alone makes the book worth reading.

Over the next few weeks LeadingLDS will dedicate a variety of posts that will highlight the principles in this book and how they can be used as you lead other towards change. You will also find these principles helpful in changing yourself and becoming a better leader.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Most Effective Speaker of His Time

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland always delivers when he speaks! No matter the occasion or topic he always leaves the congregation filled with emotion. Why is this and how can all leaders produce this result?

From the moment Elder Holland begins his remarks he always (figuratively) lays his heart and feelings on the podium. He refuses to hold back emotion. He is direct, clear, and unapologetic. He is there to clearly communicate the point of his remarks wrapped with feeling.

When was the last time you spoke as a leader to your ward, quorum, or organization with such love and emotion? People will listen with feeling if you talk with feeling. This creates motivation to build that kingdom like nothing else.

Take note that even though Elder Holland speaks with emotion, his words never produce negative emotion. He doesn't want you to feel guilty or lacking or insufficient. He leaves you motivated and dignified. Never put down the quorum, always lift them and show them what they can become.

Such emotionally filled talks should not be reserved for General Conference or even sacrament meeting. Those you lead should feel such power of emotion in every ward council, quorum meeting, and even during a one-on-one interview.

Take 15 minutes and Change the Way You Manage

Take 15 minutes and watch this video. Then comment below how it applies to church leadership.  There is more to be said on this but let's first hear what you have to say.

Enjoy!

 

Leading From the Bottom

At one time or another you hear the invitation to "stand after your name is read" in sacrament meeting. This means you are getting a calling and that calling may be classified as "leadership".

However, that isn't where leadership is born. Leadership is born in the individual who realizes they can make a difference as a primary teacher, a deacon's quorum adviser, a home teacher, or even a door greeter. 

A few months back I was recommended the book Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us. The recommendation was delivered to me in such a way I felt I needed to buy the book the same day--so I did. The author, Seth Godin would be described as a marketing genius in the business world but I would describe him as a leadership genies that talks about marketing. Quite frankly marketing has a lot to do with leadership. If you don't know how to transfer (or sell) your idea to those you lead you may not reach success.

Many subjects in this book I'll discuss at a later time but the idea that impacted me the most was Leading From the Bottom on page 19.

It reads:

The skeptical among us look at the idea of leadership and we hesitate.

We hesitate because it feels like something we need to be ordained to do. That without authority, we can't lead. That big organizations reserve leadership for the CEO, not for us.

Perhaps you work at a big organization. Perhaps you feel as though there's just too much resistance to change. Here's a question: Is your organization stiffer than the Pentagon? More bureaucratic or formalized?

Thomas Barnett changed the Pentagon. From the bottom. No, he wasn't on KP duty, but he was close. He had no status, no rank--he was just a researcher with a big idea.

Here's what the Wall Street Journal said:

Mr. Barnett overhauled the concept to address more directly the post-9/11 world. The result is a three-hour PowerPoint presentation that more resembles performance art than a Pentagon briefing. It's making Mr. Barnett, 41 years old, a key figure in the debate currently raging about what the modern military should look like. Senior military officials say his decidedly controversial ideas are influencing the way the Pentagon views its enemies, vulnerabilities and future structure.

It's simple, really. Barnett led a tribe that was passionate about change. He galvanized them, inspired them, and connected them, through his idea.

One man with no authority suddenly becomes a key figure. Tribes give each of us the very same opportunity. Skill and attitude are essential. Authority is not. In fact, authority can get in the way.

Leaders don't inspire masses, they inspire individuals. I would hope that nobody would wait for the title before they lead. Are you a key figure in your ward? Don't let authority get in the way.

A fear of mine is that those without the title of President, Bishop, or Relief Society President will feel they have nothing to learn from LeadingLDS until they are ordained to such a calling. Where ever you are found in the church, take it upon yourself to change the kingdom within the boundaries of your ward. You have the ability to do so--and if you are lucky enough, you don't have a title to get in the way.

 

 

Mastering the Fundamental Attribution Error

Have you ever said things to yourself similar to these?

"They don't home teach because they are lazy."

"They don't visit teach because they don't know how to prioritize."

"Every week they are late. They must not understand the importance of sacrament meeting."

"We've knocked on their door for three months in a row. They must not want home teachers."

"Every time I ask him to do something he drops the ball. He must not care."

All leaders approach responsibilities with optimism. However, when things don't work out because others don't follow through we begin making assumptions about these individuals. We can't understand why someone isn't doing an easy home teaching assignment so we therefore attribute it to laziness, bad attitudes, or lack of faith.

You can thank the Fundamental Attribution Error for this type of thinking.

Fundamental Attribution Error—the automatic assumption we often make that the other person's motives are bad. This can happen when someone says or does something we think is harmful or threatening. We immediately attribute bad motive

I'm a big fan of the people down at VitalSmarts. They know their stuff about creating change and leading change. (More about them to come in future posts) I first learned about the Fundamental Attribution Error while reading their material.

While leading we sometimes become so frustrated by the inefficiency of others that we simply need something to attribute the lack of success.

How do we avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error with those we lead? According to our friends at VitalSmarts we simply need to ask ourselves a question. “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?” Regardless how you ask this question simply take a moment and step back from your judgment and figure out what this person needs. Start with yourself. What can you do to help them build skills necessary to complete the task and how can you help them better understand the task?

As a leader when have you let the Fundamental Attribution Error take over?

Change Anything - An Interview with Joseph Grenny

Popular author Joseph Grenny is interviewed about his upcoming book Change Anything. He gives an LDS perspective about changing behavior. It's worth a watch.

How do the principles he discusses relate to home teaching? Visiting teaching? Class participation? Bishops influencing others to change unrighteous behavior?

After watching share your thoughts below.

(Interview begins at 10:00 minute mark)